Memories
by Somebody's Dark Angel
Summary: Chandler and Monica's daughter reminisces.


**Memories **

"Tamara! Let's go and visit your dad."

I came running down the stairs when I heard my mom say this. I hadn't seen my dad in a month. Not that I could really see him alone anyway…mom was always there.

"There you are. Now come on, we've got to go." She turned around and walked out the door.

* * *

There he was. Well, not the real him but the closest I could get. _Chandler Jordan Bing. Aged 34. Loving husband of Monica and dedicated father of Tamara. Loved always and forever._ As I looked at the headstone I got tears in my eyes. This was the closest I could ever get to my dad. And I barely even remembered him. I looked over at my mom. She was shedding silent tears, mourning for her loss. I know that she will always mourn for him, and while she puts on a brave smile for the outside world, inside our world, she will never be the same, never fully happy, never satisfied. My heart goes out to her, I wish I could somehow make her happy. But the only one who can do that is gone…forever.

Mom knelt next to me and hugged me. As I hugged her back I tried to make all her pain go away, but I know it will never happen. "Oh Tami. I miss him so much." She sobbed into my shoulder.

"I know mom. I miss him too." I tried my best to comfort her, knowing that it would do no good.

The same thing happened every time we visited dad's grave. She would cry and I would hold her. We both wanted to get rid of the other's pain and at the same time we both knew that the only one who could erase our pain was the one who couldn't…Chandler, my dad and Monica's husband. Once we had both stopped clinging to each other, I laid the bouquet of flowers down on the headstone, then got up and walked away, leaving my mom to have some time alone with him.

* * *

I came back 10 minutes later and saw my mom kiss the photo of dad that was lying on his gravestone. She turned to me and silently walked away.

"Hey dad" I spoke towards the headstone, "Here I am again huh? Mom's really missing you. I don't know whether or not you can see her, but if you can't, I'll tell you that she's getting better. Slowly, but eventually I think she'll be alright. But she'll never marry again, and she probably won't even go on a date. She loved you so much. She still loves you, I can tell. But she won't talk about you anymore. I finally got to meet my Uncle Ross a month ago. In fact it was right after the last time I came to see you. Mom took me to this place called Central Perk and we met her brother and the others. I think you know who they are. I know I've probably already met them, before you died but I couldn't remember them. Oh, mom's coming, it must be time for us to go. I'll see you later. By dad. I love you" With that I kissed my fingertips and pressed them to the cheek of the photograph.

Then mom came and slipped her arm around my shoulders.

* * *

We had three wonderful years together, the three of us. Then the day after mom & dad's third wedding anniversary, he was killed. I don't really remember what happened, even though I was there, because I was only 3 ½. But my mom has told me everything. When I was 12, she told me a lot of stuff about my dad. And then, after she'd gotten it off her chest, there was no more talking about it. I haven't talked with my mom about my dad for 5 years, other than our trips to the cemetery.

The day after my dad's funeral, my mom took all her money out of the bank and packed up our essential possessions. Then she took me, and flew to San Francisco.

The shots that had killed my dad, mom's husband, had just as surely shot to pieces mom's sense that there were bigger things other than herself and her immediate family worth fighting for. She made a new life for us, in a different city. Chandler had died. And she made sure his daughter survived. I don't really remember any of that.

All I know is that my mother and I are as close as can be. We are like the two hands of the clock. One is the hour, the other the minute. Off in different directions most of the time, but joined at the centre, where it mattered.

It was five years before mom felt she was ready to come back to New York. Then she did the same thing, took all her money out of the bank, packed up our possessions and flew to New York. This time I was able to remember, and pack for myself.

Hardly anyone trespasses into our lives. Only now has mom met again with her old friends. She is slowly starting to get her life back. Mom has her restaurant to run and her daughter to bring up, and of course her memories to contend with. As the years passed it was as thought mom's memories had merged to become mine as well. I feel sure I can remember my dad, making quips and jokes at anyone who happened to strike him worthy.

* * *

When I got home, I immediately knew it was time for another look at the family photo albums. For as long as I can remember, every time we visited my dad's grave, when we came home, I would get the family photo albums and spend hours in my room looking at them.

The first couple of photos I came across were of my parents' wedding. My mom looked beautiful, I've never seen her look so pretty. And I can tell that my dad loved the way she looked, just by the look in his eyes. They were always full of love for her. Phoebe & Rachel, mom's old best friends were bridesmaids, dressed in a dark green satin. Mom's brother Ross and dad's best friend Joey were the best men. There are some photos of me, about six months old, in a white dress, sitting on my grandma's knee while she watched the ceremony. Mom had fallen pregnant with me just after dad proposed. In fact, she told him about it after he proposed. Then they decided to wait until after I was born and mom had slimmed down to have the wedding...

As I look at the photos, I remember some of the things that mom has told me. Her and dad had been going out for two years before he proposed. They had been living together for a year, in mom's apartment. The night dad was going to propose, mom's old boyfriend Richard turned up and mom, not knowing anything about the proposal, invited him and his date to sit at the next table. So the moment was ruined. And then, thinking mom suspected something, he tried to make her think he was against marriage. Big mistake. Coz then Richard turned up at mom's work at told mom that he loved her and was ready to give her all the things she wanted. So, what a position mom was in. There she was, on one hand was the boyfriend she loved with all her heart…but he was against marriage. And on the other hand was the ex-boyfriend she had taken three months to get over…and he was ready to marry and have kids with her. Eventually she chose dad and tried to propose to him, but she kept crying. So in the end, dad proposed and mom said yes. Then she told him she was pregnant with me.

After the wedding photos, almost all of them are of me. At different ages, dressed in different clothes, being held by different people. One of my favourite baby pictures is one where mom, dad and Rachel are sitting on the couch in Central Perk. Phoebe, Joey & Uncle Ross are standing behind, leaning over to look at me. I'm sitting on dad's lap, about a year old, dressed in black overalls and a pink t-shirt. Looking at that photo brought back many memories.

When I was born in was an enormously happy time for mom & dad's group of six. I was the first child that was a 'keeper' as dad used to say. Uncle Ross had Ben, but he hardly ever saw him, and Phoebe had the triplets, but they weren't her own kids. And so my birth was a time of great rejoicing, especially for my mom. She had always wanted a baby of her own. I've been told that once she even went to a sperm bank because she wanted a child so badly. But she couldn't go through with it and so when she found out she was pregnant with me, she was ecstatic. Even better was the fact that the father was the love of her life. She could never love someone as much as she loved dad. Sorry _loves_ dad. She still loves him, and as it says on his grave, she'll love him always and forever.

My all-time favourite photo is of mom, dad and me, aged 3. It was taken in Boston, when we went there for a holiday. We stopped a passing pedestrian and asked him to take our photo. It's snowing, and we're all rugged up against the cold. I'm on dad's shoulders, and he has one arm around my leg and the other around mom's shoulders. In my opinion we look like the perfect family. But that wasn't to happen.

At that time, mom was pregnant again, about 2 months along. She had a miscarriage. It broke her heart, and she spent a month away from dad & I, trying to come to terms with her loss. And then, four months later, dad was killed.

The time dad broke his leg on the swing is another event that I can 'remember', even though, logically, I couldn't have even been born. But it is so real to me, I secretly think my mom's wrong, that I _must_ have been there. How can someone else's simple words conjure up such vivid colours and noise?

In bed at night I can slot myself back there at will, feel myself on Rachel's lap, being carried back and forth by the swing. And then all of a sudden, there is this weird metallic noise. And dad goes flying through the air, landing on his butt on the grass. There's a loud crack. His left leg twisted out in an unnatural angle. Mom, Ross & Phoebe running over to him, Rachel quickly stopping the swing and rushing over. I can hear his groans of pain, everyone's shouts and whispers…

I can conjure up the smell of my father too. The smell when he's just hopped out of the shower, or when he's coming home from a long day at work. I can recall the way he had laughed and sung. Mom had often spoken about that laugh. She said it had always cheered her up when she was down, no matter what happened, she could count on dad to make her happy again. But I know that I would remember it even if my mom hadn't told me. I truly believe I can remember him.

One of my most vivid 'memories' is of the night dad died. That night we had been walking home from the cinema's where we had just seen the new Disney movie. A group of thugs appeared in front of us and dad immediately put himself between them and us. They took all our money and valuables, even mom's engagement ring. When dad protested one of them pulled out a gun and shot him twice in the stomach. As he fell to the ground they ran off.

My mom cradled his head in her hands as she sat on the street, crying. I just stood behind her, not knowing what was happening to my dad.

With his last few breaths, dad said the words that will be etched into my mind for all time. "I love you. Take care of our baby. I'll wait for you…"


End file.
